Ah yes those dreaded teenage years. Daughters who shut down, sons who grunt. That's just normal isn't it, something we as parents have to put up with. They will grow out of it.
And yet their teenage years are when we really want them to be talking to us. It is a confusing time for them and there seems to be a constant barrage of confusing messages and temptations in front of them. If your teenagers aren't talking to you then how on earth are you supposed to know if they are coping? Do you know if they are even happy?
Ideally we don't want to wait until they are teenagers to start communicating. Many parents get frustrated when their younger children don't stop talking or asking 501 questions every day. But if we encourage our children to communicate with us from an early age, they will continue to do so as they get older. If they are chastised for being chatter-boxes when they are younger, Gingher shears chances are they aren't going to speak to you when they are older. What is important to them is relative to their age. If they learn when they are younger you weren't interested in what was important to them then, why would you be interested when they are teenagers?
All of my kids love a good chat and when they were younger would often want to tell me things at the same time! I'm sure I got more than a little confused. My youngest son, who is now 11 has this uncanny habit of wanting to tell me things when we are running late. When this happens, I stop and say something like "I'm really interested in hearing all about this. But we are running late, so how about we get ready and you can tell me all about it in the car. I will be able to listen to you better anyway". He is more than happy with that response. We get into the car and then he tells me all about whatever is important for him to tell me. I want him to communicate with me and I certainly don't want him to stop when he is a teenager!
But what happens when its a bit late for all that and you already have teenagers? Is it all too late?
I'm happy to say no it's not too late. It is never, ever too late. It will more than likely will take a bit of effort and consistency on your part. If you have a teenage son that has been grunting for the last couple of years, it may take a little more than over night for that to stop. But if you make the intention and do what it takes, you will find your teenagers communicating with you again.
The first thing you need to do is set some ground rules. Explain to your kids that the silent treatment or grunting is not acceptable. And there will be consequences if they continue to do so. (Which you must follow through on.) This is the most important thing and if you aren't prepared to go through with his, I suggest you stop reading now, because you are truly wasting your time. If you say to your kids that they won't get dessert if they grunt at you, and then you end up giving it to them because you don't want them to be upset with you, your teens won't take you seriously and they won't start talking to you either.
They will put up some resistance at first which you may find tough. But it is important you follow through. Be sure you don't go too extreme with the consequences either. Grounding them for the next month is a little excessive! Always, always, always ensure the consequence is directly in proportion to the behaviour.
The next step is for you to start talking to them. Tell them about your day or if you heard a joke. Tell them about challenges you have faced during the day. Don't burden them with adult issues but if you having been having trouble with a co-worker, for example, let them know. Even ask if they have any ideas on how to deal with it. Now you may not take their advice but they will feel valued that you are even interested in their opinion.
It is important to remember if you want your teens to talk to you about the big stuff, then you must talk to them about the small stuff first.
Finally why not spend some time with you teen doing something they enjoy - even if you can't stand it. You can ask them questions about it. If they really love it, you will find they are willing to tell you about it. Tell them how good they are it, how impressed you are with them. When you affirm your kids they are more likely to talk to you.
It may seem all a little pointless at first but like everything it will gain momentum and before you know it, your teens will be coming to you to start a conversation instead of the other way round.
Felicity Baker is a mindset expert, author and speaker who specialises in empowering children and the child within us all. Her website Joyful Horizons for Kids is the #1 Single Resource For Parents On Creating Strong and Positive Self-Esteem In Their Kids Today and In The Future.
Felicity's "NO THEORY ONLY" philosophy means that everything she recommends has already been "tested" with her own children and the results are positive and proven.
Felicity herself lived with clinical anxiety since she was aged 5. After 30 years of living with non-existent self-esteem and negative self-belief her own life was almost literally destroyed, when she found herself in a hospital emergency ward unable to swallow anything including her own saliva. She has lived on both sides of the fence and understands the importance of having high self-esteem and how it effects every area of our lives. Today she helps parents create a brighter future for their kids and help them create their own phenomenal family.
For a FREE Video Series on Building Your Child's Self-Esteem visit http://joyfulhorizonsforkids.com/freevideo
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